Feminine Sexuality & Yoni Massage
Rubina Luna opens spaces to help women explore their own sexuality and pleasure. My yoni massage session with Rubina last year was with no doubts one of the deepest and transformative experience I have had in my life, feeling completely immersed in the infinite source of love inside of me.
Sexuality is a big topic in our western societies. What is your definition of sexuality?
“Sexuality is the very essence of our being. Sexual energy is our most primal life force. This means that sexuality is not limited to the expression it can have with another being. When our sexual energy is active and alive, it nourishes all aspects of our life. It fuels our creativity, our projects, it impacts the way we show up in the world, and affects our relationships.
Sexuality is also a very natural function of our body. It is therefore very important to re-integrate this process into the body. For most people, sexuality happens in the head, imagination, fantasies, excitement and lovemaking. And this gives indeed access to a certain kind of experiences. If we want to expand from there, and have access to much more, we have to connect with our bodies. Sexuality is one of the most intimate ways we can connect to someone. And this intimacy is really precious. But how can we show up in an open, raw and vulnerable way with another being, when we haven’t ventured there ourselves? So opening up sexually, truly and deeply, is a very profound process of self- knowledge, self- acceptance and self- love.”
A part of your offerings is about reconnecting to our sexuality. Can you share with us your own journey of self- discovery?
“My journey started in a very unexpected way. I was travelling around the world and in this outer journey, a very deep inner journey was unfolding, with many openings, and letting go of all the preconceived ideas I had about life. In this context I arrived in a tantric sexual deconditioning workshop. This was the very first eye opener. I never struggled to have orgasms and I didn’t even consider that there was anything else to discover other than what I already experienced. It was the first time I heard about a whole range of possible orgasms for women, about energy, about tantra. It was the first time I experienced how sacred love making can be, and how sexuality and spirituality are, in fact, not opposed in any way. Not only did I listen to the theory, but also started feeling all of this experientially in my own body. From this point I was very committed to my own practice, getting to know my own body in much more intimate ways. A huge healing happened for me through this reconnection to myself, learning to love myself exactly as I am, with all my beauty and all my flaws. Therefore, the expansion of my sexuality is very much linked to my spiritual journey, to self-knowledge, to self-acceptance and self-love. This is the reason why when women come to me, I always encourage them to start by getting to know their own sexuality, falling in love with themselves. And from there on we can think about connecting to another being. This then happens from a very different place.”
Why do so many women still feel disconnected from their own sexuality?
“The reasons are manifold. Although we seem to be living in environments that are sexually very free, we are actually not. Even if sexuality seems to be all over the place, there still exists a lot of shame around sexuality. This shame is multi-faceted. There is still a huge split between the archetype of the “slut” and the archetype of the mother/respectable woman in our society. Therefore, women choose one side, or the other. Freedom only comes when we truly connect to both of these aspects in ourselves. As women, we have the full expression of the feminine qualities within us, some qualities are simply expressed, and others are dormant. Reclaiming our inner “slut” is part of becoming whole.
Moreover, we are not educated in a way that helps us to connect to our own sexuality in a deep, intimate and profound way. This is valid for both women and men. What are the sources of sexual education today? In some countries, there are basic introductory lessons in schools with a focus on contraception and STIs. These are absolutely necessary and crucial topics. However, that means that the very first introduction comes from a place of fear. The other source is porn. And we all know that real life is very different from porn. So, women lack information about the magic of their sexuality. They lack role models of women in full, respectful ownership of their sexual power without misusing this power to manipulate others. The good news is that this is starting to change now, and many new doors are opening.”
In what ways can we, as women, reclaim our sexuality today?
“Reclaiming our sexuality starts within ourselves. We as women have such a huge role to play in our own sexual liberation.
In the split between the archetypes of the “slut” and the mother/respectable woman, women play a huge role. In fact, it is not so much men that judge women who are sexually open, but rather women themselves. What we reject in the world is what we reject in ourselves. Reclaiming our sexuality starts with owning fully the part in ourselves that loves and enjoys sexuality, without shame, judgment or restrictions.
Being comfortable in our body is key for being comfortable in our sexual expression. In a world that imposes what we should look like, how our body should look like, what is sexy and what is not, it is a radical and very transformational choice to love ourselves and to love our body exactly as it is.
Beyond accepting our physical appearance, allowing the whole spectrum of our emotions to be expressed is crucial. If we want to have access to deep and profound orgasms, we need to allow the full range of our expression, including sadness, anger and all expressions that are labelled as negative. As long as we allow only the nice and neat parts in our sexual expression, our experience will be limited.
Reclaiming our sexuality also means knowing our sexuality. Many women expect their partner to provide the magic and bring them to bliss. That’s a huge pressure on men. So reclaiming our sexuality starts with knowing our own body, what gives us pleasure, what we enjoy and learning to open ourselves to bliss. Then we can share this with our partners and even guide them if necessary, because we know our own body.
So to sum up reclaiming our sexuality goes through accepting and owning our sexual expression, loving and accepting ourselves entirely and getting to know our bodies and pleasure.”
This idea of accepting the full range of expressions of our feelings seems so inherent to the process of reconnecting to our profound feminine essence. Would you mind to share some examples of certain manifestations of feelings you experienced in your own sexuality?
“Yes, indeed, accepting the full range of expression of our feelings is definitely a key step in reconnecting to our profound feminine essence. And it is also a key step to accessing the depth and fullness of feminine sexuality.
A huge shift happened in my sexuality once I was able to access and especially allow myself to express the full range of feelings and emotions moving through me. Before, although I was enjoying and having pleasure, I did not dare so much to show or express it. I was allowing myself only the nice feelings. When there were moments of contraction, I was feeling very bad and ashamed about them. I would therefore often withdraw when this happened. I was also quite silent and restrained in my expression. If we want to access full ecstasy, we need to allow the whole flow of whatever is moving through us to be. If we only allow the pleasure, it remains quite shallow. Now, when I am with a partner that I trust, and this trust element is absolutely key, I allow myself to feel whatever arises, I allow myself to sound whatever sound wants to come out. And those sounds really come from the deepest parts of our being, it’s quite far from the neat and superficial orgasmic sounds you can hear in porn. It’s wild, and raw and primal. And sometimes there is grief that arises, and sometimes there are tears. I have experienced immense healing to be held by my partners. This obviously also requires a partner who is willing to go there, who is able to hold space without freaking out. And, as always, the first step is to accept our own full expression and be willing to show up in a raw, uncensored way. It’s super vulnerable, it’s super scary but it’s so worth it. I have shared incredible moments of depth with men with whom I shared intimacy only once. The only thing it requires is the willingness on both sides to show up, and to be real. It’s magnificently beautiful and so nourishing. This does by no means compare to moments of empty connections, when only friction exists and both beings leave emptier than before.”
What advice would you give to a woman who seeks to find what provides her pleasure?
“I would suggest to start exploring her own body with curiosity: Letting go of all the preconceived ideas and really exploring with fresh eyes. Very often in this process, there is a lot of resistance that comes up. Therefore, the most important step is to actually start doing it. It’s quite easy in our busy lifestyles to simply skip this. One way is to schedule this in your agenda, it’s like an appointment with yourself. If, however, it feels stressful to add another item to your to do list, you can do it in a more natural way. The second part of the resistance comes during the process itself. Some women find this process alone quite boring. It is important to simply persevere through this feeling, and continuing to explore.
A few important things about the process itself:
1/ Do things differently from usual. If you want to discover new ways of feeling pleasure, you need to let go of what is already familiar or known for some time.
If you use a vibrator, for example, and get to an orgasm in a very short time, let go of the vibrator, and explore what else your body is capable of.
2/ Begin exploring your body with your hands, use an oil you love to massage your entire body, including breasts, pelvic area and genitals.
This practice is just about self- exploration, so try different things, different kinds of touch, different places, different strokes.
3/ Most importantly, touch and pleasure yourself the way you would love your lover to touch you. Become your own best lover.”
It feels that our societal conception of making love is still very rooted in the man’s pleasure. How can we redefine the way of making love in our intimate relationships?
“In many cases, the sexual act is organized around men’s erection and ejaculation, which marks the beginning and the end. There is a sort of curve: foreplay to get aroused, penetration, ejaculation. We play with those, but the vast majority of people stay within this conditioning. This puts a huge pressure on men to be hard, to perform, to last. And the woman considers the ejaculation as a sign that she did a good job in pleasuring her partner. If we really want to redefine love making, we need to let go of the preconceived ideas of what sex is. It is possible to have a profoundly erotic and deeply satisfying sexual experience without even an erected penis. It is possible to make love in waves, without having the ejaculation as a goal. Both people involved in the sexual connection can share a lot of pleasure together that does not need to reach any peak orgasm. If those meeting in a sexual connection both have highly sensitized bodies and deep capacity for presence, this is all that is needed to have an amazing sexual experience. So, it’s never about techniques or skills, but simply about being fully present, connected to our own body and the body of our partner.”
Orgasm is regarded as the Holy Grail of sexuality. Could you share with us your vision of orgasm and its spectrum in your therapeutic practice?
“Orgasm is mostly perceived as a very defined phenomenon, when arousal reaches its peak, and there is this short strong moment that lasts for a few seconds and then goes down again. This is one of many possibilities of what an orgasm could look like. The more we let go of the idea of orgasm, the less we chase any state of orgasm. The more we are able to perceive all small and big moments of pleasure, we experience orgasmic feelings. Basically, any moment of pleasure that we experience can be considered as orgasmic if we give it significance.
It is possible to define different types of orgasms. We speak of clitoral orgasm, G spot orgasm, A/P spot orgasm, cervical orgasm, nipple orgasm, urinary orgasm, anal orgasm, full body orgasm, energetic orgasm, orgasms on different chakras, and that is probably not all. Those are all tools for our mind to sort things in different boxes. I find it useful to simply become aware that there is a whole range of orgasmic experiences. I would also like to speak about the idea that all orgasms are clitoral. Indeed, given the ‘underground’ structure of the clitoris, even the vaginal stimulation involves the clitoris. This means that all orgasms physically related to the area of the vagina do indeed involve the structure of the clitoris. This, however, does not mean that all orgasms have the same effects and lead to same kind of sensations. There is much more to discover in terms of sensations than the orgasm that comes from the stimulation of the external part of the clitoris. Experiencing different kinds of orgasms and what is happening in your body is the only way to understand this. All orgasms listed above have different manifestations in the sensations and states they induce you in. I can guarantee you that once you experience a cervical orgasm, there is no way to say that it’s the same thing as an orgasm induced by an exterior clitoral stimulation. Again, it’s not about sorting them in a hierarchy, it’s about opening ourselves up to a whole range of possibilities. Therefore, I rather speak about experiences that are based on a peak state or expansive states when I teach about orgasms. Basically, to sum up, all the classifications do not matter so much, it’s just for the pleasure of our mind that likes to understand things. What matters is to explore in the body and discover the amazing abilities it has.”
Can you explain what a yoni massage is?
“Yoni is the Sanskrit name for female genitalia. A yoni massage is a massage of the vulva and the vagina. Obviously, the session does not directly start there. There is a whole process that leads very naturally to the yoni, at a pace that allows the woman to relax and feel safe enough to allow a touch in this very intimate part of the body.
My sessions have a very holistic approach. We take into account the mind, the body, the energy aspect. A session takes between 3 and 4 hours. Sessions always start with a sharing time, where space is given to talk about all that the woman feels relevant in the context of the session. To transition from this space to the language of the body, we do a guided meditation together. Full body tantric massage is the next step, and its aim is not only to prepare for yoni massage. It is a very deep energetic work in itself. And only then, if the woman is ready, we go to the yoni massage.
Receiving a yoni massage can be a very healing experience on many levels for a woman. First of all, allowing someone in this very intimate area is a huge step in itself. Many women don’t like their own vagina, and there is a lot of shame associated with its physical appearance, its smell. The simple fact of showing up in a session starts a very deep process for some women. Talking openly about their sexuality, their struggles, sometimes things that they haven’t dared to share with anyone, in a safe and loving space can be a huge help to overcome fear, shame and guilt around sexuality.
Pleasure is not the goal of the session, although, if it arises naturally, it is also very welcome. The work with the pelvic area helps to release tension, work through pain, if there is any, and develop sensitivity. Every single woman can have a fully sensitive vagina that feels pleasure being stimulated internally. Many women experience pleasure from external stimulation alone. There is some kind of myth that some women can feel pleasure from internal vaginal stimulation, and others simply don’t. Well, this is simply not true. Every single woman can feel sensation, pleasure and orgasms from internal stimulation. And the yoni massage can be a key step in awakening this sensitivity. Even if the session itself is not necessarily about pleasure, it builds a foundation for the woman to expand her sensitivity and capacity to feel greatly. As mentioned earlier, this deep work of awakening the sensitivity of the vagina and deepening the connection to the body is absolutely key to expand to deeper states of pleasure, and especially states that are not yet known or have not been experienced. Providing a space for the woman to get to know her own body, to connect in a deep and intimate way to herself and to discover what her body is capable of is probably the most important aspect of the session.
Receiving a session is a starting point. Practicing self-massage is an absolutely crucial part of the journey, and I would even say that this is where the biggest transformations can come from. So, I always encourage women to practice self-massage after a session. You can download an audio guidance on my website to practice this self yoni massage.”
What books or resources would you recommend to help women in this path of sexual healing?
“Many of the things I learned were either in live workshops or trainings, or through my own experiences. There are not so many great resources available yet but I know that it is changing. All that I am teaching is really common knowledge in the communities I lived in. However, it is still greatly ignored by a vast majority of women in this world. I would really love to spread this knowledge. And I know many other women from the community I lived in are now spreading this work.
I highly recommend Shakti Malan’s book, Sexual awakening for women. It is available in English, French and Polish. I did an extensive training with Shakti. She was really an incredible being and I fully resonate with her vision of female sexuality.
Another book I highly recommend to all women who would like to learn more about orgasm is Orgasm Unleashed by Eyal Matsliah. Even though this book has been written by a man, it contains much more knowledge about the female body than many women have about their own body.
I also resonate very much with Sasha Cobra’s vision about feminine sexuality and the relating between men and women. I heard in a podcast that she is planning to write a book soon.
Apart from this, I am also planning to create an online course this year gathering all the knowledge I received on my own journey, through my experiences, studies and work with women. If you would like to be informed about the release, you can subscribe to my newsletter.
To conclude this interview, you wanted to express your thoughts about the #metoo movement.
“What the #metoo movement is bringing to the surface is absolutely crucial and very important. However, I observe that there is a very key piece that is often missing in the conversation and the tone is going very much to finger pointing and accusing men. It is important to highlight the issues and to stop tolerating abuse in all forms. However, if we want real healing in the men-women dynamics of relating, we must go further than that. We as women also need to look at ourselves. And this is the part of the conversation that I feel is missing. In which ways do we as women abandon ourselves and give our power away? I have been involved quite deeply in these topics over the past year, as the scandals reached quite hard all the tantra communities around the world, bringing to the surface what needed to be seen. I have been listening in depth to all that has happened in many stories. What I have seen is that many situations could have been avoided. I am talking more specifically about situations where boundaries have either not been expressed at all or not stated strongly enough, all those situations where we don’t really dare to say no, or we feel no but still say yes because there is some insistence. If we as women were deeply rooted in our yes and no, deeply loving and honoring ourselves, many of those situations would simply not happen. I am not saying this to excuse the men’s acting in these situations, and obviously not to question women who have been through these situations. What has happened has already happened. But things can change! We can either desperately try to cover the whole world in plastic, or wear a pair of shoes. And this pair of shoes is the changes we can make in ourselves. It is important to point this out because the stronger the women get in their self-love and self-respect, the less those situations will happen I wish to see women getting rooted in their strength. I wish to see a fundamental change in the way we raise the little girls and the teenagers, so that those situations won’t happen anymore. And this can only happen if we, as grown up women, lead by the example of loving ourselves so deeply and so fiercely, being so clear about our yes and no, that the grey zones won’t happen anymore.
I also believe that it is a challenging time for men. From the behavior of individuals, there is a generalization towards an entire gender. I have encountered many amazing men in my life and they played a huge role in my empowerment as a woman. There are actually many amazing men in this world. So I really wish that this movement brings us to a healthier dynamic of relating and not to a gender war, and this can come if we truly listen to each other.”
Rubina offers tantric massage sessions, coaching sessions (in person and online) and workshops.
Find all Rubina’s offering here.
Interview: Laura Vendescoeur
Photos: Laura Vendescoeur
Editorial Assistant: Jeanne Diesteldorf
“Sexuality is the very essence of our being. Sexual energy is our most primal life force. This means that sexuality is not limited to the expression it can have with another being. When our sexual energy is active and alive, it nourishes all aspects of our life. It fuels our creativity, our projects, it impacts the way we show up in the world, and affects our relationships.”
“If we really want to redefine love making, we need to let go of the preconceived ideas of what sex is.”
“Reclaiming our sexuality starts within ourselves. We as women have such a huge role to play in our own sexual liberation.”
“There is some kind of myth that some women can feel pleasure from internal vaginal stimulation, and others simply don’t. Well, this is simply not true. Every single woman can feel sensation, pleasure and orgasms from internal stimulation. And the yoni massage can be a key step in awakening this sensitivity.”
Practical Content to Implement in your Life
Breast massage is a beautiful feminine practice. It is super simple yet deeply nourishing, and allows us to build a real connection with ourselves.
What benefits can you expect from the practice?
-Deeper feelings of self- love. Massage helps to release oxytocin, which physiologically puts you into a more loving state.
-Deeper connection to your heart, its longings, and desires. It can also help you to release blocked emotions.
-Physically, the massage facilitates blood circulation, detoxes your breasts and promotes healthy breast tissues.
-It increases your pleasure sensitivity. With practice, breasts become very sensitive and even orgasmic.
-It helps to build connection and communication between the heart and the yoni, your love center and your sexual center.
-Our breasts and yoni are connected through neural pathways and energetic meridians. Stimulating breasts and nipples is therefore a great way to begin to open our body, as it increases our lubrication and prepares our body in general and the yoni in specific for further sensual or sexual stimulation.
Some useful tips
Some practice is better than nothing. You can practice breast massage for 30 minutes or 5 minutes if this is all you have. Make it easy and most of all pleasurable. Have your favorite massage oil by your bed, easy to access. Regularity matters. Make a commitment to yourself to do it at least 5 minutes, 3-4 times per week.The practice can be done sitting or lying down, whatever is more comfortable for you.
This practice is better done directly on your skin, using your favorite massage oil. However it can also be done with clothes on, and even energetically. What matters is to create a connection with your breasts and be fully present with yourself.
If you had one or both of your breasts removed, you can still do the practice energetically.
There are no rules, the techniques and strokes that you can learn are not what matters most. They are just guidelines. Explore different kinds of strokes, light touch, firm touch, different kinds of movements. Get creative and most importantly ENJOY.
ONE MINUTE INSPIRATION WITH RUBINA
1. Rituals for self-love? Breast massage is such a nurturing practice. It is super simple and yet so powerful. There is no need of any specific technique, just following what feels good to the body.
2. First thing you do in the morning? Having a cup of tea in silence, without doing anything.
3. Favorite self-care routine? Meditation has been my most consistent self-care practice over the past years. This is my anchor, this, for me, is self-care on a deep level. The further I expand my ability to feel, the deeper I need to be settled in my unshaking center, and meditation helps me to do this.
4. Rituals to rest and regenerate? When my schedule is really busy and hectic, my way of regenerating is to take a full day off when I can, without doing anything, just creating some space to be. Taking baths. Eating healthy and nourishing food is also an important way I can help my body. What we put in our bodies is so crucially important to feel good, both physically and emotionally.
5. Tools for self-healing? Love. Just putting my hands wherever there is pain and sending love. Works for physical pains, and emotional struggles.
6. One limiting belief or body imbalance you are still working on? Balancing periods dedicated to spiritual practice and being fully immersed in life. I am doing better and better in navigating between the two. I wish, however, that those two will merge at some stage and that my entire life will be my spiritual practice.
7. Favorite place to cultivate inspiration? Nature and silence.
8. Your Guardians of Vision ? Amma, Shakti Malan.